Writing

Satisfaction

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I seem to be losing track of what that is!

There is so much going on in the mind all the time and most of it are the desires/things which are out of my reach or out of track. It looks like absolutely nothing satisfies me anymore.

Job, Money, Things, Travel, Writing, Reading, Music, Family Time, Spending time with my husband, Love, Sex, Romance, Catching up with Friends… Nothing is quite there! I don’t feel the way I used to about any of this earlier, as if I have become so out of place/cold that I cant match up to anything at all. Everything around me looks like the broken pieces of a cadbury which don’t really satisfy my urge of eating a chocolate.

It kills me to keep generating myself to be in the moment, take what surroundings give you, suck it in, let it sink… and enjoy. But apparently it still doesn’t quite complete the circle.

I have noticed my interest in everything around is decreasing day by day and suddenly comes a day when I am all out having fun. The swings are frustrating. Not sure if these are my hormones speaking or have i been always like this!

Its confusing, irritating and sinking feeling! I want to be satisfied in my job, in what I do, in my love life, in my family life.. I want to be able to stop n say that THIS IS IT and repeat that many times. But hell no, its not happening.

My eyes, ears, hands, mind, brain.. everything looks out of sync.. searching for something else all the time. Without an end to it!

Anyway..

 

 

 

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I want something cosy!

Cool breeze, a good novel, coffee, greenery, luxurious resort room, variety of options for food, crazy desserts, nice collection of wines, lovely designer wine glasses, some privacy actually lots of privacy, huge bathroom with plush bathtub, two chairs & a table in the gallery, a small light in the distance which I can stare at, romantic & classic movies collection, lots of multi-coloured flowers, an infinity swimming pool with absolutely no one else in it while a Cosmopolitan waits for me!

A bicycle, a warm yet light jacket, a good party dress, 5-6 comfy footwear’s, cosy white silky blanket, few satin nighties, warm black or blue socks with polka dots on it… and a laptop to do some thinking, some writing!

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Travel to some distant places with no hurry to return! With no restrictions of spending money! With no obligations of a job! With no responsibilities of a family! Just me, my books, my wine, my memories, my sadness, my ambitions and my writing… and all small little things of mine..

Some new faces to make memories with, some new moments to leave behind as a memory, some new city’s to experience…Understand relationships, to unshackle myself, to be lively again…to love myself more!

The freedom to laugh – cry, to roam alone, to get lost, to eat desserts, to drink what I like, to go where I like, to make love, to dance, to experience music – and just be myself…again…

 

 

 

 

Struggle to cut through the regulars..

Many of our relationship issues are connected to our disappointments with ourselves. I strongly believe that since some time. The ego trips, clashes or disagreements that one has on a usual basis in the house are mostly because of the disappointment you have about how your life is going on right now.

For example, I love to take vacations and travel. If I get to do that often I’m a different person altogether. Everything else that I need to take care of OR not working out properly becomes a miniature issue. I sail through pretty fine from it.

I believe it is all a vicious circle where you are disappointed with yourself, then you find yourself helpless in some way, then you are disappointed that your life is not going the way you want it go, that its not so exciting any more, then you are disappointed in your spouse that he/she is not doing enough to make a difference in it, that he/she is engrossed in their individual lives more than us as a couple, then no matter how much you try to pull it altogether it just keeps falling apart. Life seems awesome for a few days and is very stagnant on others. For a while there is an ultimate warmth & intimacy in relationships and you find it vanishing eventually.

Unless you have your goals, plans and dreams jotted down. Unless you really have something to look forward to. Unless after every few years you recreate your relationships and what you want in life. Unless you and your spouse are partners in love or better in crime too 😉

Its easier said than done. That’s the exact reason why I am struggling big time right now. My mentor from my ‘Effectiveness Seminar – Landmark Education‘ that I am attending made a point last Saturday. He said, ‘Life or anything in your life is never stagnant. Its either expanding or contracting. You need to take some actions to make sure you are always expanding.’ It was a ‘Ting’ moment for me. Did I not know this before? Well I did, that’s the exact reason why I joined the Effectiveness seminar but somewhere down the line I lost my focus from what exactly I want to alter in my life.

He made another point that, ‘You will find yourself in stage of Stability when you find yourself bored, not excited or things start looking as regular’ That is a stage where you feel the need of more. Because when you come to a stage of Stability you gotta Expand. You gotta make new plans, focus on new goals, change what’s been regular and fill excitement in your life. If you don’t, you start contracting and you find yourself often disappointed than happy.

I realised at that moment, that this stage has come in my married life and/or in my individual life. Where it needs a newness. Something that will alter tomorrow.

I don’t know the entire list of things that will make a difference. But I want to start with small projects or goals that I can see now. Like taking up writing my novel, losing weight, planning a long vacation, taking a month’s break from work for writing, looking for a specialised job, moving to a different city/country and having a baby.

The plan is not concrete yet. But I have realized by now that I have high expectations from myself. And if I don’t live up to them then I am disappointed with myself. And then clearly I am disappointed with the world. And if I make plans and complete them then I am a sorted human being who hardly has issues with what’s going on around. I have also noticed that if I take out time and do what I love like writing my novel then I’m a calmer human being which eventually may lead to harmony and warmth in my relationships.

So consider this as a declaration that I am writing my novel. I am about 4500+ words down, with first few scenes laid down on the paper. I am shit scared as to what will happen next or whether I will ever complete it. But its keeping me sane, its keeping on top of things, its giving me a sense of completeness so I am writing. And the target is to complete it before my birthday in September. Sort of like a present to myself !

Here I have, something to look forward to…but still gotta keep the spark alive and work on the rest of the list…. 🙂

I want to write but..

Eighteen days back, I said to myself I will not write anymore!

But I still went ahead and wrote something that came to my mind instinctively , Girl in the Mirror!

Well you saw the blog, its a package of explosives. I read it few times after publishing it, and the more I read it, the more I realize my writing is Me. It cant have a different flavor than my life right now.

So I decided I will not write unless I’m in a sane state of mind. But it’s not working out. Nothing is working out.

Not writing not being Me. Well who knows who am I anymore anyway!

For a very long time, your life runs in a certain way

Your daily routine, inspiration, support system is dependent

The element in your sanity is based on certain things

Your Love life, relationships, friendships are occupied with certain people

The person you have become is because of how and with whom you spent time

Your future is predictable as today will have tomorrow with same all of this

But then it changes

It falls apart, Its shattered into pieces, Its just fucking not there anymore

There’s only vacuum

With absolute killing Silence and heart-breaking noises in mind

And just one thought – I want to runaway

Tell me, where do I find my inspiration to go on. It has gone, that me is gone.

Am I not coping up? Yes I’m coping up, but I’m not even halfway through.

So this post is just an attempt to see if I can still put a pen to the paper. Forgive me for the rawness of it.

P.S. However surprising it may sound, I wrote the first chapter of my novel. Mark my words only the first. But now I know what I want to write about!

For the love of ..Love Characters!

Reading, its one thing that fills me up and takes me to a calmer place.

My genre usually revolves around Love Stories.

May it be literature based like Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice or Paulo Coelho’s 11 Minutes . It also travels to a distance where Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series takes my breath away. And further explores its sexual passionate side with EL James Fifty Shades of Grey series.

When i did some thinking , I realized one unique thing I always like in books is exploring yourself and breaking free from barriers. Till date I have only completed and loved the books, with whom I could connect. Characters of the novels, become part of my life. They are in my talks , my thoughts all the time. There is a special bond that gets created between the characters and me.

Specially girls who are exploring their nature, their love interest, their relationship with parents, career options and sexual passion and Men (mind me not Boys) who are Dominant, Caring, Subtly loving, Extravagantly demanding, utterly responsible & irresponsible at the same time, with unique work interest and who don’t need a girls words to understand her feelings whoo me away 😉

To elaborate on Men (not Boys) Boys in real life or characters are usually confused, impatient and few feets above ground and they certainly don’t know how to move a girl from her from roots when it comes to ultimate pleasure or making her feel secured. And most importantly I always like Men characters who know what they want to do in life. Who do something that’s unique and good for the society.

Ahh who doesn’t have a definition for a perfect guy 😉

Our society has a notion of tagging love stories and love story lovers as freaks or useless! But those who do; don’t know the charm of it all.

Love stories plated in ancient emperors era, in Indian Modern era, in Indian mid-80’s era , in United states some small countryside, in Europe’s small town, in Greek’s some ancient village, in Bangkok’s hotels etc. are all unique in themselves. They take you around the lovely scenic, the famous history, people from different cultures, people from different point of views, people with unprecedented love for art, technology or money, people with unique work interests right from being a writer, to being a social worker  to businessman to a prostitute… It fills you up with experiences.

When they fall in love, you fall in love. When they attempt suicide, you feel the pain. When they feel lost in their jobs n life, you understand the similarity with your life. When life teaches them things, you learn. When they are left heartbroken, you cry. When they are making love, you feel the urge. When they grow, you grow your circle. Novels specially some love stories have soul , they reach within you and makes you feel things.

Veronica from “Veronica decides to die” showed me how to come out of depression in life. Maria from “11 Minutes” showed me how a sensitive, ordinary girl like us who’s a prostitute explores her life and love,  Anna in “50 shades of Grey Series” showed how an ordinary middle class girl explores her sexual side, deals with a filthy rich boyfriend and explores her passion for writing, Deb from “If its not forever, its not love” showed me how intense love goes through difficult situations and still succeeds… The list is endless!

Valley-of-flowers

For me reading is therapy and love stories are like flowerbed till you can possibly see filled with lovely colors and different flowers..For the love of love characters 🙂

 

Wohhoo! its feels great to be back here..

Somewhere in last few months, i reduced writing! I was thinking why that happened..

I just realized I write when I’m emotionally composed. I cherish writing as a hobby it comes to me naturally.When relationships, friendships, work, feeling of being contented and career growth are going well (hand-in-hand) then I’m composed. Or else I behave like a disoriented child who doesn’t have a clue of whats happening around 😉

So that suggests that now I’m sort of living the best time of life..

Seriously what else one needs in life.. A loving & understanding husband, an always there kind of best-friend, few good friends , gradual career growth, getting to work on new things , getting to learn new things, earning enough (but not enough) and most importantly rock solid support & love by family!

Shakkkyyy  -> More Shakkkyyy -> Getting Better -> Stabilizing ————-> Stable

Last 3-4 years, I realize now how its shaped. I’m still at Stabilizing mode, but hope to cross that phase soon.

So I’m going to write more.. More about my experiences, my friends, my work experiences and relationships.. Yesterday a friend of mine insisted that I should not stop writing and here I am thanks to her !

Yo 2014!

Am I a blogging material ?

No I dont think so.

What qualities do you need to be a blogger or a writer ? Probably good vocabulary, own flare of writing, humor once in a while, ability to connect dots, great concepts, passion to write, capability to paint a picture and last but not least you should stick around till you finish your own blog..

Do i have these qualities? Hell no..I believe I have 10% chances of being able to be a blogger in my entire life let alone a popular one..

Then why am i blogging? i asked this question to myself million times.. and the only answer that i got is..Because i want to “express”..

” Express what?” about your everyday life, mistakes that I made recently, momentary happiness I got, failures which made me look like a fool or love that I have for people..

After a lot thinking and cursing myself for writing something which might not make sense to probably even a single human being on this earth..I decided to write..For myself..For my own sake..For expressing my views on things happening around..For letting out my anger..For gaining energy to go on..For loving the people around me..For showing a way to my experiences…

” Writing just to express”..anything at all!

Do you think it makes sense? Do you think we should use writing as a tool to feel happy?