Relationships

Knowing & not-knowing each other!!

He was afraid to touch the topic , he didn’t want to give more grief to me. I also know that he might be afraid to hear something unpleasant about what we had or didn’t. I realise his restlessness, I knew his restlessness. I know how he wanders around not knowing what to say and would return without saying. I know how much he cares but his strong image doesn’t let him show any. I know exactly when he is making a serious attempt of not looking at me and I also know when he stares at me from across the room full of people. I exactly know which clothes would he like to see on my body and I exactly know how he prefers to look through them. I know when he is upset and I know when he is angry, I know when he is facing the fire and I know when he believes. I know how he prefers his tea to be and I know how much he loves to give free advice. I know when he is about to kiss me and I know when he is trying hard not to feel that way. I know how he might be fantasicing about me and I know where he would want my hands to be. I know where he wants to touch me and I know exactly where he wants me to touch him. I know he is more than a fantasy and I also know that he feels the same about me. I know he is more than what meets the eye, and I know he doesn’t want me to believe that. I know he wanted to explore us, me.. and I also know that he regrets he didn’t, he couldn’t.

I know he needs me and wishes me to be there. But I also know that he might be battling the same war that I fight everyday. Of knowing and not knowing..each other too well!!

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Its been a few days..

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me through..is..our time together.

 

The Wait and Me..

Waiting and Me are soulmates since last 2-3 years. Yesterday night I realized that as long as I remember all I have done every night is wait.

3 years ago, my husband gave an interview in a Lead Generation company working for the U.S. market. I was happy about he giving an interview there, but i wasn’t aware that the company works in the evening shifts which starts at 6.30 and technically ends at 3.30 but could go on till 6/7 am in the morning. We were married for 2 years that time. Our rosy period was getting over, our adjustments related to money were taking a shape of problems related to money. And someone had to start doing something about it.

In those circumstances, my husband started looking out and got selected in this company. I remember i was having a dinner out with a friend of mine that day. He came there, picked me up and we were returning to our home.. that’s when he told me that he got selected and that he is gonna get around 13-14 thousand more than the earlier job. I was so happy, I was holding him from behind on the bike. I went closer to him and hugged him tight. I couldn’t believe that besides all the odds he got a decent job. I was thinking of ways to celebrate this opportunity. Well right then, the next thing he tells me is – that the timings are different and he has to work evening shifts. Something or everything changed in that moment. I clearly remember loosening my grip over him and going speechless for a moment. I also remember telling myself that – he needs this right now, we need this right now, we have managed many things, we will manage this as well. This is temporary! Is this temporary? Well yes may be it is temporary. Don’t resist it, accept it. And i accepted it, or at least i think i accepted it.

That day and today.. He has moved on from that job to get an even better opportunity. He earns more than the double of what he used to earn that time. But timings haven’t changed. My wait for his presence isn’t over.

Many of you who will read this blog will think that its a small thing and why i am making such a fuss about it and that many people do sales jobs and its an usual thing in today’s world. Well i am sure it is, even i shout at myself many times for letting it go. But frankly, truly and genuinely I am still not okay with it. My life still moves around not having him around. Not having a routine life like others. As much as i hate the usual routine I how painful it is to not have your husband around 5 nights and 5 morning a week. It really isn’t a joke.

When i wake up, for once i would love to go on a walk together or doing household chores together or having someone to talk to or waking up to a lively house than a house in which you cant make much noises because then you would end up waking him up or being able to push off early morning and go somewhere. These are the small little things that matter to me. And these are the things which make my day, and are missing from my life.

When i finish my work and come home, for once i would love if someone is at home waiting for me, have someone to blabber and gossip with without having the pressure of his work or calls or instant office plans, for once i would love if we make food together, or just make an ad-hoc plan to watch a movie together, or go on ice-cream spree’s together or a long-drive together or watch a series on Star world together or just switch off the lights and cuddle together or just sit in the gallery and sip on the hot chocolate together or just sleeping off together while chatting on something and realizing how sweet ystd night was… All of this used to happen and all of this & many more is just not there anymore. Sometimes i think we live through the week just for the weekends.

Priorities have changed, needs have changed, lifestyle has changed, definitions of love and romance has changed, the intention of marriage has changed, the criteria for fun has changed.. may be its called growing up or being mature or marriage becoming old. But whatever is… My wait hasn’t changed. I still wait every night and every morning for the same things. Sometimes i wonder what keeps me on, why do i go on, why do i have such a good relationship that this need still exists, why do i still expect, why does my life revolve around him, why is it so needed, why cant I just accept that he needs more that the relationship is settled and its time to focus on other things, why haven’t i accepted this lifestyle , why haven’t i let go of it…. I get some answers but then again tomorrow comes.

Now in 3 years so many things have interconnected to this or have hampered because of this that it has become a vicious circle of actions, emotions, expectations, responsibilities, mistakes, rebelliousness, loneliness and reality.. So we both are clearly struggling to break through from it.

But one good thing is that.. We still want to be together and we long for each other. I always wish that if I was more accepting wife or if I was very ambitious woman then this would not have been such a driving factor in our life.

Anyway..I just felt like letting it out today..

 

 

 

 

Letter to my husband..5 years on..

On 15th August 2015, Me and My husband ‘Rishi’ celebrated our 5th Marriage Anniversary. I had always thought of writing something which communicates some of my feelings for him. But always failed to write even a word about him. On the occasion of our 5th Anniversary I decided to write a small piece as a token of love.

I took some time to display this piece on my blog as I wanted to savour it alone for a while but today I felt the need to publish this piece. Not really for people to see, but to sort of making him a part of my blogging world. To be able to have said that, you belong here too..

Here’s my letter to my husband.. which is sort of a re-iteration of what I feel about him as days goes by!!


It’s been 5 years to our marriage. 10 years we know each other. 5 years we live together. 10 years to have practically walked every step together. It seems like a dream. These numbers dance in front of my eyes but don’t sink in. It looks like it was day before when we fell in love and yesterday when we got married.

You know I realize the fact that this is the first piece I am writing about you and our relationship. It is exciting at the same time a bit sad as I wrote about my emotions, my friends, people on the road, my dreams etc etc but never about you or about us. There are two reasons for it. One that somewhere deep within I didn’t want to be called as a married woman in my blog world; especially someone who is married for 5 years. And second, whenever I started writing about you, I thought I will never be able to sum up what Rishi is and our relationship is in one blog or one novel for that matter. I still don’t think I will be able to.

Last few months have made me realize few things about us, about you. I realized that you are the anchor holding us together. My stubbornness, my dominance, my spontaneity, my specifications, my urge for perfection whether it be care, love or any work… Good or bad… you just balance it with being the way you are. You become a kid, you become a father, you become a brat, you become an ass or you become a grown up responsible guy…You do everything to make me happy and keep us going.

You said the other day, that ‘Manu I make this relationship go on for us. I disagreed with it and I made fun of you.’ But today I will accept that it’s true. It has always been like that. To the world who lives with us it may be seen that I drive the relationship. But actually you drive it. Your composed and balanced nature drives the relationship on a daily basis. You have always been telling me that I am at the core or I have been at the center of your life. Not your family, not your work, not your freedom. It’s always been me.

But Something I never noticed along the years is actually you too are at the center of my life. Many times I come across as a very self-sufficient, individualistic and cold who doesn’t always need a hand in hand. But it’s a lie, it’s only the mask I have learned to wear over the years. The truth is that my hand is incomplete without your hand in it.  My morning, afternoon, evening, night everything revolves around you, your needs, your worry and your presence.

I know last one year was tough and it tested everything we had. But I’m glad we helped each other stand strong. I’m glad we had such acquaintances and parents who helped us to stand connected. That’s when I understood that my dreams or my writing or me as a person has no individual significance anymore. If you are not around, If you are not in my life…any of those things will not survive even a day.

We are like H20.. I am hydrogen and you are oxygen. I bring fire, you bring water. I bring responsibility, you bring care-freeness. I bring care, you bring love. I bring spontaneity, you bring stability. I bring attachment, you bring commitment. It’s just bloody how it should be!

Maybe now after spending so many years together I understand lot more about marriage. I was always clear about what I am for you. But now I actually understood what you mean to me.Now I realize the connection that we have and what you mean to me in my life. Few days ago I was thinking about us, I found that moment where I felt…”Yes this is the biggest achievement of my life. And this is it.” I never thought forever is a reality, but now with you I want to make that a reality.

So, thank you for being there with me all along. As a friend, as a best friend, as a lover, as a parent and as a husband. Along with my parents, you gave me the life I have today. And it’s beautiful. Thank you for doing the extraordinary honour of marrying me. Thanks for believing in us no matter how difficult a woman I am to live with.

I promise to be the support you need, the ear you need and the arms you need. I promise to be there always, being only yours. I love you. Happy 5th Anniversary, it still hasn’t sunk in though 😉

Mind ramblings..

Mind No. 1: Did you know?

Mind No. 2: What?

M1: She screwed up again. This time in a bigger way, you know.

M2: Oh mannn, Really? Why does she keep doing that?

M1: Well, some people are meant for making mistakes. They cant go on with life if there is no excitement, some drama, tragedy and spice.

M2: Yeah, may be you are right! She is like that. But hows she now anyway?

M1: You know her! Holding tight.. Whether its the reason for the mess or the reason for her existence!

M2: That sounds painful.

M1: I bet it is. First deal with the mess you created. Then deal with the impacted ones. Then deal with their tantrums. Then deal with your guilt. Then deal with their disappointment. Then deal with your loneliness. Then deal with their disconnectedness. Then deal with your disconnectedness. Then deal with their stubbornness. Then deal with your agony. Then deal with their anger. Then deal with your anger. Then deal with the emptiness and void in relationships. And while dealing with all of this deal with the splurge of emotions running inside you for the reason of the mess. And eventually deal with standing alone day in day out.

M2: Mann.. That’s something. But do you think she will survive out of it?

M1: What do you mean?

M2: Like, will she be herself again? Will she ever take spontaneous, reckless and impulsive decisions again? Will she give her 110% in any relationship again?

M1: Don’t know ya! No idea as of now. She may or she may not. But she certainly lost her faith in love by many levels.

M2: How can you say that? She messed up.. She screwed it all up.. How does she get to be the one who says I have lost my faith in love?

M1: Well all I mean to say is, She has had enough of love and its after effects.. She may find her solace in something else but not love for sure. I think by now she totally believes that the choice of freedom costs a lot and that she is not ready for that price.

M2: I don’t know what to say. Understanding her is too complicated.

M1: Hahaha, you are not the first one to say that. Don’t even try understanding her. Let her be.

M2: You mean no matter how much pain she gives to others. She still gets to be the one who throws tantrums and has expectations and expects freedom and love.

M1: Well frankly, Yes! That’s how she is and that’s how she will always be.

M2: I am glad. At least that’s not changed in her.

M1: Yeah Man, Really.

M2: Do you think everything will be alright and rocking for her ever again?

M1: Knowing her and her relationships, I strongly think it will all be alright. But knowing the new changes in her, her thoughts, her beliefs and her relationships, I doubt my earlier belief a bit.

M2: Why do you say that?

M1: She was broken before. She is broken again. Earlier when she was broken she had people of her own and a place of her own. Now she doesn’t. Now she completely believes that life’s going to be boring, uninteresting and relationships are going to be disconnected & dented from now on.

M2: You mean she has lost faith in miracles and specially in her decisions.

M1: You got it.

M2: That’s scary. I worry now.

M1: Don’t you worry, you know our girl. She will somehow get everything and everyone on track.

M2: Well yeah, that she will.

M1: I just want her to start loving herself again and move on.

M2: So you think she hasn’t moved on yet?

M1: I don’t think so. But she is trying. The deeper you are in it, the slower you come out of it.

M2: That’s true. I just hope she moves on but doesn’t really move on.

M1: What’s that supposed to mean?

M2: Like move on from where she is supposed to. But not move on from her own self and others.

M1: Hmm, now I get it. You got a point there.

M2: Yeah, I just hope she pulls it off correctly.

M1: You worry again, I told you somehow someday she will.

M2: Yeah, but it cant be too late you know. She has to survive her spontaneous, impulsive nature tied to a 110% lover till then.

M1: Well it sounds a bit difficult but you never know when it comes to her!

M2: Hope she finds the light again….

Struggle to cut through the regulars..

Many of our relationship issues are connected to our disappointments with ourselves. I strongly believe that since some time. The ego trips, clashes or disagreements that one has on a usual basis in the house are mostly because of the disappointment you have about how your life is going on right now.

For example, I love to take vacations and travel. If I get to do that often I’m a different person altogether. Everything else that I need to take care of OR not working out properly becomes a miniature issue. I sail through pretty fine from it.

I believe it is all a vicious circle where you are disappointed with yourself, then you find yourself helpless in some way, then you are disappointed that your life is not going the way you want it go, that its not so exciting any more, then you are disappointed in your spouse that he/she is not doing enough to make a difference in it, that he/she is engrossed in their individual lives more than us as a couple, then no matter how much you try to pull it altogether it just keeps falling apart. Life seems awesome for a few days and is very stagnant on others. For a while there is an ultimate warmth & intimacy in relationships and you find it vanishing eventually.

Unless you have your goals, plans and dreams jotted down. Unless you really have something to look forward to. Unless after every few years you recreate your relationships and what you want in life. Unless you and your spouse are partners in love or better in crime too 😉

Its easier said than done. That’s the exact reason why I am struggling big time right now. My mentor from my ‘Effectiveness Seminar – Landmark Education‘ that I am attending made a point last Saturday. He said, ‘Life or anything in your life is never stagnant. Its either expanding or contracting. You need to take some actions to make sure you are always expanding.’ It was a ‘Ting’ moment for me. Did I not know this before? Well I did, that’s the exact reason why I joined the Effectiveness seminar but somewhere down the line I lost my focus from what exactly I want to alter in my life.

He made another point that, ‘You will find yourself in stage of Stability when you find yourself bored, not excited or things start looking as regular’ That is a stage where you feel the need of more. Because when you come to a stage of Stability you gotta Expand. You gotta make new plans, focus on new goals, change what’s been regular and fill excitement in your life. If you don’t, you start contracting and you find yourself often disappointed than happy.

I realised at that moment, that this stage has come in my married life and/or in my individual life. Where it needs a newness. Something that will alter tomorrow.

I don’t know the entire list of things that will make a difference. But I want to start with small projects or goals that I can see now. Like taking up writing my novel, losing weight, planning a long vacation, taking a month’s break from work for writing, looking for a specialised job, moving to a different city/country and having a baby.

The plan is not concrete yet. But I have realized by now that I have high expectations from myself. And if I don’t live up to them then I am disappointed with myself. And then clearly I am disappointed with the world. And if I make plans and complete them then I am a sorted human being who hardly has issues with what’s going on around. I have also noticed that if I take out time and do what I love like writing my novel then I’m a calmer human being which eventually may lead to harmony and warmth in my relationships.

So consider this as a declaration that I am writing my novel. I am about 4500+ words down, with first few scenes laid down on the paper. I am shit scared as to what will happen next or whether I will ever complete it. But its keeping me sane, its keeping on top of things, its giving me a sense of completeness so I am writing. And the target is to complete it before my birthday in September. Sort of like a present to myself !

Here I have, something to look forward to…but still gotta keep the spark alive and work on the rest of the list…. 🙂

I thought..

I thought

You were gone out of my system.

That I successfully let you go.

I conquered my emotions.

I took control of my mood swings.

I thought

I could go to the same locations without being restless

That I was free from the pain.

That I regained the charge of my life.

I thought

I was ready to see you on roads

I was confident of falling in love again

I was going good with just your memories

I was never lonely at all

I thought 

Its been long time and it doesn’t hurt any more

and Its just another usual relationship which didn’t see the future

and it was just another experience in life which taught me a lot

I thought I was healed and back to normal to go back to my previous life

I thought I had many people to talk to and its okay if you are not around

I thought I will not miss you a lot after such a long time

I thought I will never feel your touch and warmth so frequently

I thought I am done mourning over the loss and ready to take on the world

BUT

I was wrong..About almost everything!

You are still very much around, everyday, in everything I do or everything I think about.

I can still feel you in my arms perfectly fitting in there and loving me with all you’ve got.

How can it be that after so much time I cant call you my EX.. and you are still a guy who I loved a lot.

And I still do..