Love

Its been a few days..

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me through..is..our time together.

 

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The Wait and Me..

Waiting and Me are soulmates since last 2-3 years. Yesterday night I realized that as long as I remember all I have done every night is wait.

3 years ago, my husband gave an interview in a Lead Generation company working for the U.S. market. I was happy about he giving an interview there, but i wasn’t aware that the company works in the evening shifts which starts at 6.30 and technically ends at 3.30 but could go on till 6/7 am in the morning. We were married for 2 years that time. Our rosy period was getting over, our adjustments related to money were taking a shape of problems related to money. And someone had to start doing something about it.

In those circumstances, my husband started looking out and got selected in this company. I remember i was having a dinner out with a friend of mine that day. He came there, picked me up and we were returning to our home.. that’s when he told me that he got selected and that he is gonna get around 13-14 thousand more than the earlier job. I was so happy, I was holding him from behind on the bike. I went closer to him and hugged him tight. I couldn’t believe that besides all the odds he got a decent job. I was thinking of ways to celebrate this opportunity. Well right then, the next thing he tells me is – that the timings are different and he has to work evening shifts. Something or everything changed in that moment. I clearly remember loosening my grip over him and going speechless for a moment. I also remember telling myself that – he needs this right now, we need this right now, we have managed many things, we will manage this as well. This is temporary! Is this temporary? Well yes may be it is temporary. Don’t resist it, accept it. And i accepted it, or at least i think i accepted it.

That day and today.. He has moved on from that job to get an even better opportunity. He earns more than the double of what he used to earn that time. But timings haven’t changed. My wait for his presence isn’t over.

Many of you who will read this blog will think that its a small thing and why i am making such a fuss about it and that many people do sales jobs and its an usual thing in today’s world. Well i am sure it is, even i shout at myself many times for letting it go. But frankly, truly and genuinely I am still not okay with it. My life still moves around not having him around. Not having a routine life like others. As much as i hate the usual routine I how painful it is to not have your husband around 5 nights and 5 morning a week. It really isn’t a joke.

When i wake up, for once i would love to go on a walk together or doing household chores together or having someone to talk to or waking up to a lively house than a house in which you cant make much noises because then you would end up waking him up or being able to push off early morning and go somewhere. These are the small little things that matter to me. And these are the things which make my day, and are missing from my life.

When i finish my work and come home, for once i would love if someone is at home waiting for me, have someone to blabber and gossip with without having the pressure of his work or calls or instant office plans, for once i would love if we make food together, or just make an ad-hoc plan to watch a movie together, or go on ice-cream spree’s together or a long-drive together or watch a series on Star world together or just switch off the lights and cuddle together or just sit in the gallery and sip on the hot chocolate together or just sleeping off together while chatting on something and realizing how sweet ystd night was… All of this used to happen and all of this & many more is just not there anymore. Sometimes i think we live through the week just for the weekends.

Priorities have changed, needs have changed, lifestyle has changed, definitions of love and romance has changed, the intention of marriage has changed, the criteria for fun has changed.. may be its called growing up or being mature or marriage becoming old. But whatever is… My wait hasn’t changed. I still wait every night and every morning for the same things. Sometimes i wonder what keeps me on, why do i go on, why do i have such a good relationship that this need still exists, why do i still expect, why does my life revolve around him, why is it so needed, why cant I just accept that he needs more that the relationship is settled and its time to focus on other things, why haven’t i accepted this lifestyle , why haven’t i let go of it…. I get some answers but then again tomorrow comes.

Now in 3 years so many things have interconnected to this or have hampered because of this that it has become a vicious circle of actions, emotions, expectations, responsibilities, mistakes, rebelliousness, loneliness and reality.. So we both are clearly struggling to break through from it.

But one good thing is that.. We still want to be together and we long for each other. I always wish that if I was more accepting wife or if I was very ambitious woman then this would not have been such a driving factor in our life.

Anyway..I just felt like letting it out today..

 

 

 

 

Satisfaction

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I seem to be losing track of what that is!

There is so much going on in the mind all the time and most of it are the desires/things which are out of my reach or out of track. It looks like absolutely nothing satisfies me anymore.

Job, Money, Things, Travel, Writing, Reading, Music, Family Time, Spending time with my husband, Love, Sex, Romance, Catching up with Friends… Nothing is quite there! I don’t feel the way I used to about any of this earlier, as if I have become so out of place/cold that I cant match up to anything at all. Everything around me looks like the broken pieces of a cadbury which don’t really satisfy my urge of eating a chocolate.

It kills me to keep generating myself to be in the moment, take what surroundings give you, suck it in, let it sink… and enjoy. But apparently it still doesn’t quite complete the circle.

I have noticed my interest in everything around is decreasing day by day and suddenly comes a day when I am all out having fun. The swings are frustrating. Not sure if these are my hormones speaking or have i been always like this!

Its confusing, irritating and sinking feeling! I want to be satisfied in my job, in what I do, in my love life, in my family life.. I want to be able to stop n say that THIS IS IT and repeat that many times. But hell no, its not happening.

My eyes, ears, hands, mind, brain.. everything looks out of sync.. searching for something else all the time. Without an end to it!

Anyway..

 

 

 

I want something cosy!

Cool breeze, a good novel, coffee, greenery, luxurious resort room, variety of options for food, crazy desserts, nice collection of wines, lovely designer wine glasses, some privacy actually lots of privacy, huge bathroom with plush bathtub, two chairs & a table in the gallery, a small light in the distance which I can stare at, romantic & classic movies collection, lots of multi-coloured flowers, an infinity swimming pool with absolutely no one else in it while a Cosmopolitan waits for me!

A bicycle, a warm yet light jacket, a good party dress, 5-6 comfy footwear’s, cosy white silky blanket, few satin nighties, warm black or blue socks with polka dots on it… and a laptop to do some thinking, some writing!

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Travel to some distant places with no hurry to return! With no restrictions of spending money! With no obligations of a job! With no responsibilities of a family! Just me, my books, my wine, my memories, my sadness, my ambitions and my writing… and all small little things of mine..

Some new faces to make memories with, some new moments to leave behind as a memory, some new city’s to experience…Understand relationships, to unshackle myself, to be lively again…to love myself more!

The freedom to laugh – cry, to roam alone, to get lost, to eat desserts, to drink what I like, to go where I like, to make love, to dance, to experience music – and just be myself…again…

 

 

 

 

What is it really!

The feeling of my breathlessness

The thought of your warm face

The touch of this depression

Is it just my helplessness or is it you calling my name?

The feeling of loss

The thought of your compelling touch

The anguish of loneliness

Is it just my stupid dreams or is it you missing me deeply?

The worry in my eyes

The urge in my arms

The fucked up mind n heart

Is it just me waiting in vain or you look out the window too?

The hurt in my words

The pain in your name

The happiness I claim to have

Is it all real or is it all like you? Unreal, Ungetteable, Unforgettable &….. Un-warm… Well Cold!

Grass is always greener on the other side…

Frankly, I never felt like that about anything in my life. As far as I remember, I have always been very contented with my relationships, my family or my individual life so to say. There have been days when I cribbed about having no money, pathetic job or the behaviour of people around me. But the feeling of ‘they have it better’ never ever crossed my mind. I am still very clear about having the best of parents, the most amazing brother – well in fact – a lot better version than me and a gem of a husband.

But yesterday night for the first time in my life, I felt that I am not enough. That I am not the best possible option for a wife for my husband. I am completely aware of my personality and the pros & cons it comes with. But I have always lived my life for last 10 years knowing – that my loved ones don’t mind the way I am and the way I am not.

Till date, the most I valued in my life is relationships. Quite often I screw them up, but I recreate and build them again too. I have always conquered that part of my life. Job, Money, Friends, Socializing, Partying, Fun…everything else was the last priority in front of spending time with family or doing something for them. That could also be a reason I don’t have a lot of friends, I don’t belong to n number of whatsapp groups, I don’t earn as much as I could have OR simply I am not liked as much as my Husband/Brother/Parents are liked in their circles.

I would always choose a nice dinner / a movie over a party OR a long drive over a night-out with bunch of people. I would choose to have cosy celebrations than loud music and strangers. I would choose a book or a romantic movie at home over a socializing attempt with relatives or friends.

I don’t like chaos, I need it quite. I don’t like loud, I like it cosy. I don’t like it with fake smiles & strange faces around, I like it known & comfortable. And that’s how I have been living my life and frankly I don’t see a problem in that. More than that, I have lived hearing from my loved ones that it is perfect, that it doesn’t matter – & you don’t need to fit in, you don’t need to change. But guess what, that bubble broke yesterday night!

After all, your personal desires ARE ABOVE anyone else’s way of living. It does overpower at some point of time. I know that better than anyone!

I have had my moments of realization this week! But this tops the list.. What changes after this? Well frankly nothing! But the after effects will definitely make me think twice before speaking a word / making a plan / expecting anything from anyone! It’s not really a good feeling to know that well you could have been a better version of a wife / a descent version of a THIS GENERATION woman..

Letter to my husband..5 years on..

On 15th August 2015, Me and My husband ‘Rishi’ celebrated our 5th Marriage Anniversary. I had always thought of writing something which communicates some of my feelings for him. But always failed to write even a word about him. On the occasion of our 5th Anniversary I decided to write a small piece as a token of love.

I took some time to display this piece on my blog as I wanted to savour it alone for a while but today I felt the need to publish this piece. Not really for people to see, but to sort of making him a part of my blogging world. To be able to have said that, you belong here too..

Here’s my letter to my husband.. which is sort of a re-iteration of what I feel about him as days goes by!!


It’s been 5 years to our marriage. 10 years we know each other. 5 years we live together. 10 years to have practically walked every step together. It seems like a dream. These numbers dance in front of my eyes but don’t sink in. It looks like it was day before when we fell in love and yesterday when we got married.

You know I realize the fact that this is the first piece I am writing about you and our relationship. It is exciting at the same time a bit sad as I wrote about my emotions, my friends, people on the road, my dreams etc etc but never about you or about us. There are two reasons for it. One that somewhere deep within I didn’t want to be called as a married woman in my blog world; especially someone who is married for 5 years. And second, whenever I started writing about you, I thought I will never be able to sum up what Rishi is and our relationship is in one blog or one novel for that matter. I still don’t think I will be able to.

Last few months have made me realize few things about us, about you. I realized that you are the anchor holding us together. My stubbornness, my dominance, my spontaneity, my specifications, my urge for perfection whether it be care, love or any work… Good or bad… you just balance it with being the way you are. You become a kid, you become a father, you become a brat, you become an ass or you become a grown up responsible guy…You do everything to make me happy and keep us going.

You said the other day, that ‘Manu I make this relationship go on for us. I disagreed with it and I made fun of you.’ But today I will accept that it’s true. It has always been like that. To the world who lives with us it may be seen that I drive the relationship. But actually you drive it. Your composed and balanced nature drives the relationship on a daily basis. You have always been telling me that I am at the core or I have been at the center of your life. Not your family, not your work, not your freedom. It’s always been me.

But Something I never noticed along the years is actually you too are at the center of my life. Many times I come across as a very self-sufficient, individualistic and cold who doesn’t always need a hand in hand. But it’s a lie, it’s only the mask I have learned to wear over the years. The truth is that my hand is incomplete without your hand in it.  My morning, afternoon, evening, night everything revolves around you, your needs, your worry and your presence.

I know last one year was tough and it tested everything we had. But I’m glad we helped each other stand strong. I’m glad we had such acquaintances and parents who helped us to stand connected. That’s when I understood that my dreams or my writing or me as a person has no individual significance anymore. If you are not around, If you are not in my life…any of those things will not survive even a day.

We are like H20.. I am hydrogen and you are oxygen. I bring fire, you bring water. I bring responsibility, you bring care-freeness. I bring care, you bring love. I bring spontaneity, you bring stability. I bring attachment, you bring commitment. It’s just bloody how it should be!

Maybe now after spending so many years together I understand lot more about marriage. I was always clear about what I am for you. But now I actually understood what you mean to me.Now I realize the connection that we have and what you mean to me in my life. Few days ago I was thinking about us, I found that moment where I felt…”Yes this is the biggest achievement of my life. And this is it.” I never thought forever is a reality, but now with you I want to make that a reality.

So, thank you for being there with me all along. As a friend, as a best friend, as a lover, as a parent and as a husband. Along with my parents, you gave me the life I have today. And it’s beautiful. Thank you for doing the extraordinary honour of marrying me. Thanks for believing in us no matter how difficult a woman I am to live with.

I promise to be the support you need, the ear you need and the arms you need. I promise to be there always, being only yours. I love you. Happy 5th Anniversary, it still hasn’t sunk in though 😉