Life

Knowing & not-knowing each other!!

He was afraid to touch the topic , he didn’t want to give more grief to me. I also know that he might be afraid to hear something unpleasant about what we had or didn’t. I realise his restlessness, I knew his restlessness. I know how he wanders around not knowing what to say and would return without saying. I know how much he cares but his strong image doesn’t let him show any. I know exactly when he is making a serious attempt of not looking at me and I also know when he stares at me from across the room full of people. I exactly know which clothes would he like to see on my body and I exactly know how he prefers to look through them. I know when he is upset and I know when he is angry, I know when he is facing the fire and I know when he believes. I know how he prefers his tea to be and I know how much he loves to give free advice. I know when he is about to kiss me and I know when he is trying hard not to feel that way. I know how he might be fantasicing about me and I know where he would want my hands to be. I know where he wants to touch me and I know exactly where he wants me to touch him. I know he is more than a fantasy and I also know that he feels the same about me. I know he is more than what meets the eye, and I know he doesn’t want me to believe that. I know he wanted to explore us, me.. and I also know that he regrets he didn’t, he couldn’t.

I know he needs me and wishes me to be there. But I also know that he might be battling the same war that I fight everyday. Of knowing and not knowing..each other too well!!

Advertisements

Its been a few days..

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me through..is..our time together.

 

My First Solo Travel.. The Why’s of it all!

Sometime in the month of December, I thought to myself.. that life is not happening. Happening in an enjoyment way and also in a not working out way! And i said no one else is going to change the situation for me & no one else is going to do my share of work n retrospection for it.

That day and Today.. Things have moved, things have been better.. I have been happy, We have been better.. My confusion has reduced, my temper is in control… My cold heart has become a bit warmer… I am a bit sorted than earlier… So the trip started working for me right after i booked for it!!

Bidway, I go on my first solo trip on coming Saturday, 20th Feb 2016 to 3 untraveled places in Uttarakhand, India. For 8 complete days. 

For 8 complete days, living alone looked like an impossible thing. Well it still does. I wont lie, I am having a cold feet since ystd evening. And I did have my crying session in front of my husband in the morning!

Its difficult! Leaving alone, managing alone, staying alone, ordering food alone, eating alone, sleeping alone… And specifically not being able to talk about all small little things.. At least as of now, it does look damn difficult!

A friend of mine said the other day, ‘If you like to be alone, you will enjoy it.’ But the point is, I don’t know what I like. Being with someone for 10 years makes you forget what exactly gives you self-satisfaction and pure happiness. Because everything you do, you do it together. And you always have someone at arm’s length, so you never have to stretch your hand beyond a distance.

I call myself an independent girl..woman, whatever! But since the time i have booked myself for a solo trip, I can see all my dependencies on my husband, my comfort at home, my parents and my everyday routine. I have become a bit considerate and warmer towards everyone whom I am dependent on.

IMG_1286

The thing is.. I am going to stumble upon few things, I am going to feel lost many times, I am going to regret going solo a couple of times, I am going to miss home food many many times.. and most of all staying without my husband and sleeping without him by my side.. is gonna be the toughest thing ever.. Everything that can make me uncomfortable, may happen. I may not like my own company..

But that’s the point… The reason I want to go solo is be comfortable with myself..is to realize a few things I want in my life Vs. I think i want..is to unshackle myself from the things i cling on to or the decisions i just don’t take at all..

All said and done.. I just want to be !!

P.S. I am going to post my travel’s photos on Instagram , Follow me there! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Escaping from myself!

d102044bc0460b2d4e59e9ed48b7a8ebI am tired, truly tired. Of myself. Today all I want do is to escape from myself. The way I am, the way I behave, my thoughts, emotions, ambitions my needs, memories, my fantasies… every bloody thing about being ME is eating me up today. I can come out of myself and can actually see a different person inside. Its sickens me to see how I have changed in last few years. There was a time I was so comfortable n happy with myself and my decisions. Now, I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy and comfortable with myself. I walk on a path for a while, it gives me happiness and then I am amazed to see that its just the fucking upper layer. Deep within its still empty n unsatisfied. Then its a vicious cycle. I am so tired of this routine.

I  am so bloody choked n speechless right now that I cant even write a proper line anymore. I actually googled some quotes about ‘Escaping from myself’, So lame… May be this is just to re-iterate how i am feeling!

“Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”
― Anaïs Nin, Incest: From a Journal of Love

“Besides the alternate universe offered by a book, the quiet space of a museum was my favorite place to go. My mom said I was an escapist at heart . . . that I preferred imaginary worlds to the real one. It’s true that I’ve always been able to yank myself out of this world and plunge myself into another.”
― Amy Plum, Die for Me

“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ”
― William S. Burroughs

“Her body was a prison, her mind was a prison. Her memories were a prison. The people she loved. She couldn’t get away from the hurt of them. She could leave Eric, walk out of her apartment, walk forever if she liked, but she couldn’t escape what really hurt. Tonight even the sky felt like a prison.”
― Ann Brashares, Sisterhood Everlasting

“A smiling lie is a whirlwind, easy to enter, but hard to escape.”
― Dejan Stojanovic, The Sun Watches the Sun

“But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.”
― Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

Fuck man, what do i do!

 

Satisfaction

Untitled

I seem to be losing track of what that is!

There is so much going on in the mind all the time and most of it are the desires/things which are out of my reach or out of track. It looks like absolutely nothing satisfies me anymore.

Job, Money, Things, Travel, Writing, Reading, Music, Family Time, Spending time with my husband, Love, Sex, Romance, Catching up with Friends… Nothing is quite there! I don’t feel the way I used to about any of this earlier, as if I have become so out of place/cold that I cant match up to anything at all. Everything around me looks like the broken pieces of a cadbury which don’t really satisfy my urge of eating a chocolate.

It kills me to keep generating myself to be in the moment, take what surroundings give you, suck it in, let it sink… and enjoy. But apparently it still doesn’t quite complete the circle.

I have noticed my interest in everything around is decreasing day by day and suddenly comes a day when I am all out having fun. The swings are frustrating. Not sure if these are my hormones speaking or have i been always like this!

Its confusing, irritating and sinking feeling! I want to be satisfied in my job, in what I do, in my love life, in my family life.. I want to be able to stop n say that THIS IS IT and repeat that many times. But hell no, its not happening.

My eyes, ears, hands, mind, brain.. everything looks out of sync.. searching for something else all the time. Without an end to it!

Anyway..

 

 

 

I want something cosy!

Cool breeze, a good novel, coffee, greenery, luxurious resort room, variety of options for food, crazy desserts, nice collection of wines, lovely designer wine glasses, some privacy actually lots of privacy, huge bathroom with plush bathtub, two chairs & a table in the gallery, a small light in the distance which I can stare at, romantic & classic movies collection, lots of multi-coloured flowers, an infinity swimming pool with absolutely no one else in it while a Cosmopolitan waits for me!

A bicycle, a warm yet light jacket, a good party dress, 5-6 comfy footwear’s, cosy white silky blanket, few satin nighties, warm black or blue socks with polka dots on it… and a laptop to do some thinking, some writing!

download

Travel to some distant places with no hurry to return! With no restrictions of spending money! With no obligations of a job! With no responsibilities of a family! Just me, my books, my wine, my memories, my sadness, my ambitions and my writing… and all small little things of mine..

Some new faces to make memories with, some new moments to leave behind as a memory, some new city’s to experience…Understand relationships, to unshackle myself, to be lively again…to love myself more!

The freedom to laugh – cry, to roam alone, to get lost, to eat desserts, to drink what I like, to go where I like, to make love, to dance, to experience music – and just be myself…again…

 

 

 

 

What is it really!

The feeling of my breathlessness

The thought of your warm face

The touch of this depression

Is it just my helplessness or is it you calling my name?

The feeling of loss

The thought of your compelling touch

The anguish of loneliness

Is it just my stupid dreams or is it you missing me deeply?

The worry in my eyes

The urge in my arms

The fucked up mind n heart

Is it just me waiting in vain or you look out the window too?

The hurt in my words

The pain in your name

The happiness I claim to have

Is it all real or is it all like you? Unreal, Ungetteable, Unforgettable &….. Un-warm… Well Cold!