Happiness

Its been a few days..

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me through..is..our time together.

 

Advertisements

My First Solo Travel.. The Why’s of it all!

Sometime in the month of December, I thought to myself.. that life is not happening. Happening in an enjoyment way and also in a not working out way! And i said no one else is going to change the situation for me & no one else is going to do my share of work n retrospection for it.

That day and Today.. Things have moved, things have been better.. I have been happy, We have been better.. My confusion has reduced, my temper is in control… My cold heart has become a bit warmer… I am a bit sorted than earlier… So the trip started working for me right after i booked for it!!

Bidway, I go on my first solo trip on coming Saturday, 20th Feb 2016 to 3 untraveled places in Uttarakhand, India. For 8 complete days. 

For 8 complete days, living alone looked like an impossible thing. Well it still does. I wont lie, I am having a cold feet since ystd evening. And I did have my crying session in front of my husband in the morning!

Its difficult! Leaving alone, managing alone, staying alone, ordering food alone, eating alone, sleeping alone… And specifically not being able to talk about all small little things.. At least as of now, it does look damn difficult!

A friend of mine said the other day, ‘If you like to be alone, you will enjoy it.’ But the point is, I don’t know what I like. Being with someone for 10 years makes you forget what exactly gives you self-satisfaction and pure happiness. Because everything you do, you do it together. And you always have someone at arm’s length, so you never have to stretch your hand beyond a distance.

I call myself an independent girl..woman, whatever! But since the time i have booked myself for a solo trip, I can see all my dependencies on my husband, my comfort at home, my parents and my everyday routine. I have become a bit considerate and warmer towards everyone whom I am dependent on.

IMG_1286

The thing is.. I am going to stumble upon few things, I am going to feel lost many times, I am going to regret going solo a couple of times, I am going to miss home food many many times.. and most of all staying without my husband and sleeping without him by my side.. is gonna be the toughest thing ever.. Everything that can make me uncomfortable, may happen. I may not like my own company..

But that’s the point… The reason I want to go solo is be comfortable with myself..is to realize a few things I want in my life Vs. I think i want..is to unshackle myself from the things i cling on to or the decisions i just don’t take at all..

All said and done.. I just want to be !!

P.S. I am going to post my travel’s photos on Instagram , Follow me there! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Escaping from myself!

d102044bc0460b2d4e59e9ed48b7a8ebI am tired, truly tired. Of myself. Today all I want do is to escape from myself. The way I am, the way I behave, my thoughts, emotions, ambitions my needs, memories, my fantasies… every bloody thing about being ME is eating me up today. I can come out of myself and can actually see a different person inside. Its sickens me to see how I have changed in last few years. There was a time I was so comfortable n happy with myself and my decisions. Now, I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy and comfortable with myself. I walk on a path for a while, it gives me happiness and then I am amazed to see that its just the fucking upper layer. Deep within its still empty n unsatisfied. Then its a vicious cycle. I am so tired of this routine.

I  am so bloody choked n speechless right now that I cant even write a proper line anymore. I actually googled some quotes about ‘Escaping from myself’, So lame… May be this is just to re-iterate how i am feeling!

“Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”
― Anaïs Nin, Incest: From a Journal of Love

“Besides the alternate universe offered by a book, the quiet space of a museum was my favorite place to go. My mom said I was an escapist at heart . . . that I preferred imaginary worlds to the real one. It’s true that I’ve always been able to yank myself out of this world and plunge myself into another.”
― Amy Plum, Die for Me

“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ”
― William S. Burroughs

“Her body was a prison, her mind was a prison. Her memories were a prison. The people she loved. She couldn’t get away from the hurt of them. She could leave Eric, walk out of her apartment, walk forever if she liked, but she couldn’t escape what really hurt. Tonight even the sky felt like a prison.”
― Ann Brashares, Sisterhood Everlasting

“A smiling lie is a whirlwind, easy to enter, but hard to escape.”
― Dejan Stojanovic, The Sun Watches the Sun

“But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.”
― Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

Fuck man, what do i do!

 

Satisfaction

Untitled

I seem to be losing track of what that is!

There is so much going on in the mind all the time and most of it are the desires/things which are out of my reach or out of track. It looks like absolutely nothing satisfies me anymore.

Job, Money, Things, Travel, Writing, Reading, Music, Family Time, Spending time with my husband, Love, Sex, Romance, Catching up with Friends… Nothing is quite there! I don’t feel the way I used to about any of this earlier, as if I have become so out of place/cold that I cant match up to anything at all. Everything around me looks like the broken pieces of a cadbury which don’t really satisfy my urge of eating a chocolate.

It kills me to keep generating myself to be in the moment, take what surroundings give you, suck it in, let it sink… and enjoy. But apparently it still doesn’t quite complete the circle.

I have noticed my interest in everything around is decreasing day by day and suddenly comes a day when I am all out having fun. The swings are frustrating. Not sure if these are my hormones speaking or have i been always like this!

Its confusing, irritating and sinking feeling! I want to be satisfied in my job, in what I do, in my love life, in my family life.. I want to be able to stop n say that THIS IS IT and repeat that many times. But hell no, its not happening.

My eyes, ears, hands, mind, brain.. everything looks out of sync.. searching for something else all the time. Without an end to it!

Anyway..

 

 

 

What is it really!

The feeling of my breathlessness

The thought of your warm face

The touch of this depression

Is it just my helplessness or is it you calling my name?

The feeling of loss

The thought of your compelling touch

The anguish of loneliness

Is it just my stupid dreams or is it you missing me deeply?

The worry in my eyes

The urge in my arms

The fucked up mind n heart

Is it just me waiting in vain or you look out the window too?

The hurt in my words

The pain in your name

The happiness I claim to have

Is it all real or is it all like you? Unreal, Ungetteable, Unforgettable &….. Un-warm… Well Cold!

It is September again..

It’s that time of the year again, month of September – my birthday month. This must be the first time I’m writing on the occasion of my birthday. What’s so special about this time? Nothing really.. It’s the past one year that has been special or rather eventful. Extremely eventful, so much so that at one point I felt the necessity of stagnant days.

I woke up today morning and somehow suddenly realized that its a birthday month and slowly all the events from past one year started appearing in front of my eyes. I am not so happy about how it went as I was at the most vulnerable self of mine. Just whisking away in the direction the wind was moving. But I also created some amazing things in my life, unleashed new side of my life that wasn’t explored before.

I started Dancing 🙂

Oh yes, I started dancing! I had this mind block about dancing  as long as I remember. I saw people around me eventually losing interest in dancing. One day, I found myself on the dance floor with my entire family and just did not look back. However I could, I just kept dancing for more than two hours with my besties. The moment of dancing with two best men in my life in unforgettable.

Since then, till today I have danced on few more occasions. Its funny how it works, when you start loving something you start getting more n more opportunities like that. I love it, I just love dancing now. I have always had this dream of learning Salsa, it definitely looks a real thing now 🙂

I kind of lost my best friends..

Ahh this is the most screwed part of the entire year probably, which kills me even today. Well by now, everyone who knows about me knows that I dont have much friends. I have just been like that since forever and I didn’t regret that fact till last year than before. Why? because your so called friends turn back on you and then you are left nowhere. With no one to talk, share or cry with.

Oh yes, I never believed it before but people only want the “GOOD part of YOU” nobody wants you when you are Cranky, Sad, Upset or specially Demanding. They don’t want you anymore because you are not behaving the same way as before. No one wants to change things around in that friendship and spend 10min on understanding what’s wrong but they are okay breaking, altering or leaving than just being there for you. I don’t leave, I cant. That’s not in my genes.

So I was left behind.. Feeling bad, lonely at the effect of how people make perceptions about you and change!

I learned a lesson, never be a Fool in Love..

Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?
Fools in love, never knowing when they lost the game

Fools in love they think they’re heroes,
cos they get to feel no pain
I say fools in love are zeroes
I should know, I should know
Because this fool’s in love again – Inara George

Never think that, its going to stay the same way forever. Never depend on someone else for your happiness. You love too much is it, well its your problem!

I successfully pulled myself out of the Depression 🙂

This is the biggest achievement of the year by far! My family faced a lot in this period. I was as good as a ghost for many months. There but not quite. Thinking something else, talking something else. Shut in the home, not moving out. Not sharing, forget about having fun. Always crying. A laughter has to end with a cry. Just talking about leaving alone somewhere all the time. Talking of relocating alone somewhere all the time. Its not that I liked being depressed but I just could not understand what was going on. I wasn’t finding a way out of it.

But One day, I could see how people close to me were affected. And I just said, this is not how I’m repaying their contribution and love in my life. Then nothing could stop me till I broke the darkness.

I found the purpose of my life..

In a journey of Three months or so along with some unknown faces I went through a self-exploration journey, I found out the “Why” in my life. What Simon Sinek talks about in TED just doesn’t apply to businesses but I believe it also applies to our life. Why – Do – Have is the way to go in life.

I found that, the only passion and purpose of my life is “Making a Difference” in situations, in other peoples lives. What I do will only give me the satisfaction that I desire only when I work on my “Why”.

I became ONE with my family..

So much peace is back in life, I cant tell you. I am totally a different person because of this now. I went into the depth of every relation in my family and apologized where I needed to, created something new where I felt like and just involved them in smallest possible thing of my life. I took up being there biggest support and it has just changed the equation. All those small little voices irritating me have disappeared.

I love the air around my family.

I grew in my career..

I have been having big-time fall-outs in my career since last few years. But Last year was the golden year where I was totally in control of everything in my office. I learned so many new things, I produced revenue for the company, I created a responsible image of myself, I started working in niche sides of work where hardly anyone works, I kept myself away from the controversies and overcame all obstacles that came my way. I gained respect and experience like never before.

Whats next? Still figuring it out, but I will get there. As my dad always says, “You gotta keep on jumping to see whats on the other side”. I will.

I explored some beautiful desires of mine 🙂 🙂

Somewhere in that three month journey I started believing in my dreams. How crazy and unreal they might be, I started loving them. I started loving myself, which I thought was impossible before.IMG_20140727_073253

One of the things I am currently reading “Eat, Pray, Love” Elizabeth Gilbert has mesmerized me totally. I feel like I have lived every moment that Liz talks about. Now..

All I wanna do now is Go to Rome , alone or not I don’t know but I wanna see those places that she experienced of.

I also want to go on a Solo trip somewhere, I am still scared of it but now my passion for going is overpowering the fear of it.

I also want to go on a Writing workshop somewhere Out of India. I want to explore the world beyond through my experiences, my writing and set new standards for pleasures in my life.

I want to start my novel. I believe I cant write about characters, but I want to overcome that.

I guess this much eventfulness in the year is enough to speak about 😉 or else I may have turn this year into a novel. When i started this blog, I was shit interested in celebrating my birthday. But now, I am back baby! I want to celebrate my birthday just like always…

This one’s definitely dedicated to my family, the warriors of my life!

And yes how could I forget.. Modiji won the election this year!

Tattooing with Happiness..

Birds, Symbols, Stars, Eagles, Fishes, Doves, Smileys, Names, Quotes! Out of all this I chose to write “Happiness” on my right hand.

Happiness with a heart around it – Inked for life!

IMG_20140629_134839_edit_editIt was a big step, a very big one. Well a girl like me talking about permanent tattoo must have given a cultural shock to many. And to my Family? Family full of doctors, very well educated-cultured, doing social work kind of people and their daughter walks up-to them about getting a tattoo done. Don’t know what my parents must have felt but they accepted it very well. May be they saw that I wanted it bad. May be they could sense the feeling I have about the tattoo.

But frankly more than anyone else being surprised, I am surprised with my move. One day I had this intense passionate feeling about getting a tattoo done, I did some brainstorming on why I want it, I looked for options on the same day , I started working on the design in next few days and before a month was complete I had a Tattoo on my hand.

While traveling alone for 4hours to get a tattoo done, I realized how committed I am about it. How important is it for me to dedicate this. I realized how much love, relationships and happiness I get out of it matters to me. I realized my center of universe is my people in my life.

Why Happiness

My friend pinged me the other day and asked “Why Happiness”.. my immediate response was its “dedicated to the one/s who have given me sheer happiness in my life. Its like the puzzle of my life got completed with the presence of that happiness.”

And I was like WOW.. Was I this crystal clear about my tattoo before getting it done? Well yes, it was only lying behind the crazy enthusiasm to get it done!

I am originally a very emotional person, small things, big things they all affect me. As much as I am leading my life with a bang, I also get into depression that fast. So this Happiness will remind me that its not the end of the world, some people love you unconditionally.

Everyone has their own version of Happiness. We choose to define something as happiness and it becomes that. I totally believe that now..

To my source of happiness.. Thank you, I’m loving it..