Blogging

Knowing & not-knowing each other!!

He was afraid to touch the topic , he didn’t want to give more grief to me. I also know that he might be afraid to hear something unpleasant about what we had or didn’t. I realise his restlessness, I knew his restlessness. I know how he wanders around not knowing what to say and would return without saying. I know how much he cares but his strong image doesn’t let him show any. I know exactly when he is making a serious attempt of not looking at me and I also know when he stares at me from across the room full of people. I exactly know which clothes would he like to see on my body and I exactly know how he prefers to look through them. I know when he is upset and I know when he is angry, I know when he is facing the fire and I know when he believes. I know how he prefers his tea to be and I know how much he loves to give free advice. I know when he is about to kiss me and I know when he is trying hard not to feel that way. I know how he might be fantasicing about me and I know where he would want my hands to be. I know where he wants to touch me and I know exactly where he wants me to touch him. I know he is more than a fantasy and I also know that he feels the same about me. I know he is more than what meets the eye, and I know he doesn’t want me to believe that. I know he wanted to explore us, me.. and I also know that he regrets he didn’t, he couldn’t.

I know he needs me and wishes me to be there. But I also know that he might be battling the same war that I fight everyday. Of knowing and not knowing..each other too well!!

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I want to write but..

Eighteen days back, I said to myself I will not write anymore!

But I still went ahead and wrote something that came to my mind instinctively , Girl in the Mirror!

Well you saw the blog, its a package of explosives. I read it few times after publishing it, and the more I read it, the more I realize my writing is Me. It cant have a different flavor than my life right now.

So I decided I will not write unless I’m in a sane state of mind. But it’s not working out. Nothing is working out.

Not writing not being Me. Well who knows who am I anymore anyway!

For a very long time, your life runs in a certain way

Your daily routine, inspiration, support system is dependent

The element in your sanity is based on certain things

Your Love life, relationships, friendships are occupied with certain people

The person you have become is because of how and with whom you spent time

Your future is predictable as today will have tomorrow with same all of this

But then it changes

It falls apart, Its shattered into pieces, Its just fucking not there anymore

There’s only vacuum

With absolute killing Silence and heart-breaking noises in mind

And just one thought – I want to runaway

Tell me, where do I find my inspiration to go on. It has gone, that me is gone.

Am I not coping up? Yes I’m coping up, but I’m not even halfway through.

So this post is just an attempt to see if I can still put a pen to the paper. Forgive me for the rawness of it.

P.S. However surprising it may sound, I wrote the first chapter of my novel. Mark my words only the first. But now I know what I want to write about!

Am I a blogging material ?

No I dont think so.

What qualities do you need to be a blogger or a writer ? Probably good vocabulary, own flare of writing, humor once in a while, ability to connect dots, great concepts, passion to write, capability to paint a picture and last but not least you should stick around till you finish your own blog..

Do i have these qualities? Hell no..I believe I have 10% chances of being able to be a blogger in my entire life let alone a popular one..

Then why am i blogging? i asked this question to myself million times.. and the only answer that i got is..Because i want to “express”..

” Express what?” about your everyday life, mistakes that I made recently, momentary happiness I got, failures which made me look like a fool or love that I have for people..

After a lot thinking and cursing myself for writing something which might not make sense to probably even a single human being on this earth..I decided to write..For myself..For my own sake..For expressing my views on things happening around..For letting out my anger..For gaining energy to go on..For loving the people around me..For showing a way to my experiences…

” Writing just to express”..anything at all!

Do you think it makes sense? Do you think we should use writing as a tool to feel happy?