Silent Thoughts

Just not me

He was just here, wasn’t he? How can he not be? I imagined him touching my face and my neckline just now. Slowly moving his hands all over my body and feeling it all in. I just closed my eyes and whispered his name. I opened my lips to see if he wants to kiss me. And he did.
In my dreams. In my imagination. In my previous life. When I was me, his lover.
How can he not be here when he was so here? Like a soul touching my heart and never leaving my side. One that’s always there when I needed it, quietly, patiently, with only unconditional love and nothing else.
Not sure if it was the rains or the beer, I couldn’t help but feel his love through my veins today. He needs to start loving me a little less. And love someone else or something else. Just not me. Either of us cant endure more pain than this. This much is enough.
No, I absolutely can’t start feeling his presence in every moment in my life. No, not again. There’s nothing more heart wrenching than that.

Is he still here?

Its been a few days..

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me time together.


Escaping from myself!

d102044bc0460b2d4e59e9ed48b7a8ebI am tired, truly tired. Of myself. Today all I want do is to escape from myself. The way I am, the way I behave, my thoughts, emotions, ambitions my needs, memories, my fantasies… every bloody thing about being ME is eating me up today. I can come out of myself and can actually see a different person inside. Its sickens me to see how I have changed in last few years. There was a time I was so comfortable n happy with myself and my decisions. Now, I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy and comfortable with myself. I walk on a path for a while, it gives me happiness and then I am amazed to see that its just the fucking upper layer. Deep within its still empty n unsatisfied. Then its a vicious cycle. I am so tired of this routine.

I  am so bloody choked n speechless right now that I cant even write a proper line anymore. I actually googled some quotes about ‘Escaping from myself’, So lame… May be this is just to re-iterate how i am feeling!

“Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”
― Anaïs Nin, Incest: From a Journal of Love

“Besides the alternate universe offered by a book, the quiet space of a museum was my favorite place to go. My mom said I was an escapist at heart . . . that I preferred imaginary worlds to the real one. It’s true that I’ve always been able to yank myself out of this world and plunge myself into another.”
― Amy Plum, Die for Me

“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ”
― William S. Burroughs

“Her body was a prison, her mind was a prison. Her memories were a prison. The people she loved. She couldn’t get away from the hurt of them. She could leave Eric, walk out of her apartment, walk forever if she liked, but she couldn’t escape what really hurt. Tonight even the sky felt like a prison.”
― Ann Brashares, Sisterhood Everlasting

“A smiling lie is a whirlwind, easy to enter, but hard to escape.”
― Dejan Stojanovic, The Sun Watches the Sun

“But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.”
― Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

Fuck man, what do i do!


I want something cosy!

Cool breeze, a good novel, coffee, greenery, luxurious resort room, variety of options for food, crazy desserts, nice collection of wines, lovely designer wine glasses, some privacy actually lots of privacy, huge bathroom with plush bathtub, two chairs & a table in the gallery, a small light in the distance which I can stare at, romantic & classic movies collection, lots of multi-coloured flowers, an infinity swimming pool with absolutely no one else in it while a Cosmopolitan waits for me!

A bicycle, a warm yet light jacket, a good party dress, 5-6 comfy footwear’s, cosy white silky blanket, few satin nighties, warm black or blue socks with polka dots on it… and a laptop to do some thinking, some writing!


Travel to some distant places with no hurry to return! With no restrictions of spending money! With no obligations of a job! With no responsibilities of a family! Just me, my books, my wine, my memories, my sadness, my ambitions and my writing… and all small little things of mine..

Some new faces to make memories with, some new moments to leave behind as a memory, some new city’s to experience…Understand relationships, to unshackle myself, to be lively again…to love myself more!

The freedom to laugh – cry, to roam alone, to get lost, to eat desserts, to drink what I like, to go where I like, to make love, to dance, to experience music – and just be myself…again…





What is it really!

The feeling of my breathlessness

The thought of your warm face

The touch of this depression

Is it just my helplessness or is it you calling my name?

The feeling of loss

The thought of your compelling touch

The anguish of loneliness

Is it just my stupid dreams or is it you missing me deeply?

The worry in my eyes

The urge in my arms

The fucked up mind n heart

Is it just me waiting in vain or you look out the window too?

The hurt in my words

The pain in your name

The happiness I claim to have

Is it all real or is it all like you? Unreal, Ungetteable, Unforgettable &….. Un-warm… Well Cold!

Mind ramblings..

Mind No. 1: Did you know?

Mind No. 2: What?

M1: She screwed up again. This time in a bigger way, you know.

M2: Oh mannn, Really? Why does she keep doing that?

M1: Well, some people are meant for making mistakes. They cant go on with life if there is no excitement, some drama, tragedy and spice.

M2: Yeah, may be you are right! She is like that. But hows she now anyway?

M1: You know her! Holding tight.. Whether its the reason for the mess or the reason for her existence!

M2: That sounds painful.

M1: I bet it is. First deal with the mess you created. Then deal with the impacted ones. Then deal with their tantrums. Then deal with your guilt. Then deal with their disappointment. Then deal with your loneliness. Then deal with their disconnectedness. Then deal with your disconnectedness. Then deal with their stubbornness. Then deal with your agony. Then deal with their anger. Then deal with your anger. Then deal with the emptiness and void in relationships. And while dealing with all of this deal with the splurge of emotions running inside you for the reason of the mess. And eventually deal with standing alone day in day out.

M2: Mann.. That’s something. But do you think she will survive out of it?

M1: What do you mean?

M2: Like, will she be herself again? Will she ever take spontaneous, reckless and impulsive decisions again? Will she give her 110% in any relationship again?

M1: Don’t know ya! No idea as of now. She may or she may not. But she certainly lost her faith in love by many levels.

M2: How can you say that? She messed up.. She screwed it all up.. How does she get to be the one who says I have lost my faith in love?

M1: Well all I mean to say is, She has had enough of love and its after effects.. She may find her solace in something else but not love for sure. I think by now she totally believes that the choice of freedom costs a lot and that she is not ready for that price.

M2: I don’t know what to say. Understanding her is too complicated.

M1: Hahaha, you are not the first one to say that. Don’t even try understanding her. Let her be.

M2: You mean no matter how much pain she gives to others. She still gets to be the one who throws tantrums and has expectations and expects freedom and love.

M1: Well frankly, Yes! That’s how she is and that’s how she will always be.

M2: I am glad. At least that’s not changed in her.

M1: Yeah Man, Really.

M2: Do you think everything will be alright and rocking for her ever again?

M1: Knowing her and her relationships, I strongly think it will all be alright. But knowing the new changes in her, her thoughts, her beliefs and her relationships, I doubt my earlier belief a bit.

M2: Why do you say that?

M1: She was broken before. She is broken again. Earlier when she was broken she had people of her own and a place of her own. Now she doesn’t. Now she completely believes that life’s going to be boring, uninteresting and relationships are going to be disconnected & dented from now on.

M2: You mean she has lost faith in miracles and specially in her decisions.

M1: You got it.

M2: That’s scary. I worry now.

M1: Don’t you worry, you know our girl. She will somehow get everything and everyone on track.

M2: Well yeah, that she will.

M1: I just want her to start loving herself again and move on.

M2: So you think she hasn’t moved on yet?

M1: I don’t think so. But she is trying. The deeper you are in it, the slower you come out of it.

M2: That’s true. I just hope she moves on but doesn’t really move on.

M1: What’s that supposed to mean?

M2: Like move on from where she is supposed to. But not move on from her own self and others.

M1: Hmm, now I get it. You got a point there.

M2: Yeah, I just hope she pulls it off correctly.

M1: You worry again, I told you somehow someday she will.

M2: Yeah, but it cant be too late you know. She has to survive her spontaneous, impulsive nature tied to a 110% lover till then.

M1: Well it sounds a bit difficult but you never know when it comes to her!

M2: Hope she finds the light again….

I thought..

I thought

You were gone out of my system.

That I successfully let you go.

I conquered my emotions.

I took control of my mood swings.

I thought

I could go to the same locations without being restless

That I was free from the pain.

That I regained the charge of my life.

I thought

I was ready to see you on roads

I was confident of falling in love again

I was going good with just your memories

I was never lonely at all

I thought 

Its been long time and it doesn’t hurt any more

and Its just another usual relationship which didn’t see the future

and it was just another experience in life which taught me a lot

I thought I was healed and back to normal to go back to my previous life

I thought I had many people to talk to and its okay if you are not around

I thought I will not miss you a lot after such a long time

I thought I will never feel your touch and warmth so frequently

I thought I am done mourning over the loss and ready to take on the world


I was wrong..About almost everything!

You are still very much around, everyday, in everything I do or everything I think about.

I can still feel you in my arms perfectly fitting in there and loving me with all you’ve got.

How can it be that after so much time I cant call you my EX.. and you are still a guy who I loved a lot.

And I still do..



I have been. Even before you.

You filled the space. To remain.

Even after you.


I always was. Even before you.

You took it to another level. To remember.

Even after you.


I used to be. Even before you.

You made it stay. To cherish.

Even after you.


I thought I was. Even before you.

You made it difficult. To live.

Well, after you.

Do you feel complete..I don’t..

Ignore me. Don’t talk to me.

Don’t see me.

Avoid my thoughts coming in.

Don’t walk the road which I may pass from.

Stop listening to my favorite songs.

Spend more time working.

Don’t meet people who might speak about me.

Stop visiting the places where we sat once.

Ditch that restaurant forever, as last time we were romancing there.

Stop socializing more often.

Stick to the good old lousy people. It’s easier that way.

Tell yourself you don’t love me.

Decide of not meeting me again.

Avoid keeping any know-hows about my life.

Hate me in your thoughts. Keep on showing me that you hate me.

Shut doors on me. Shut doors on any of my entrances.

Fake that the life is most happiest, now that I’m not around.

Promise yourself not to love anyone again.

Have an attitude of Who the Hell Cares.

Confirm again and again that nothing hurts you. It never has.







Do everything you want, to forget and move on.

Just tell me something..

Can you spend a night without remembering me?

While laughing out loud, do you suddenly feel extremely empty?

When someone pisses you off, do you run out of faces to share it with?

When there is no one to listen to your clever plans about life and your small little issues? Do you think I should have been there?

Sometime in the day, do you feel ‘Oh man.. what the hell is going on in life’?

Oh Baby, just tell me do you feel complete? do you feel alive? 

Insanity of this year..

Loss, Pain. Regrets.

I had never tasted these words like I did in this year. I think I never quite understood the meaning of these words until now. Never ever lost anyone before in my life, neither did I feel the pain of not having someone around or having major – shattering regrets in life. Now I know the impact of these words – on me and others.

Till date I have always lived my life on my own terms. Like Dominic Toretto says in The Fast and Furious, ” I live my life quarter mile at a time…for those 10 seconds and less I’m free” I have been seeing few days out at the max and would jump into it. Then Morality, People, Commitments, Have To’s, Should be’s nothing else matters.

All my decisions, may they be related to Education, Job, Career, Love interests, Marriage, Any relationships or me as an individual personality all were driven by “Whether I am happy in this?” or “Whether someone I love is happy with this?” That’s it, all my decisions could be very well categorized under these two questions.

I have made many mistakes in life. May it be being rebellious to my parents, neglecting my family, breaking the commitment in relationship or dropping out from education at one point or falling in love with the wrong person. All have given me big jerks, some sailed me through to good opportunities and some landed me in a soup. But frankly all was okay, all was bearable, all was manageable until now. May be my age helped me through. I had my privileges being young, pampered and yet sensible n responsible in certain things. Every one has some “Sail through” Ace cards!

Those cards have stopped working for me now. This year outran my options to cope n still be the same.

I don’t know whether it happens to everyone or not. That overall everything in life looks perfect but deep down you know the difference between your Own self image of Jan 2014 and Dec 2014. It’s like all are pluses but there are so many minuses killing the experience of it all. And the worst part is, you can’t explain how.

For people, you have just put on 6-7 kgs of weight but for yourself you know there is a lot that freaking happened which led you into this. Loved ones may say, you are resigned about your life or doing some drastic change in your life or career but you know that – that resigned feeling is just eating you from inside and you don’t want it. For people, you can say certain person in life hurt me and I don’t want to be together anymore but in your heart you know the small little things got crushed in the process and you were left standing alone in the middle of the road. For people, I lost my grandfather and they would are sorry to hear that but only you know that – you regret every fucking minute you spent in making him wrong than realizing how much you love him. For people, the death of such an elderly man is expected but for yourself you know how it changed the face of my family or my father. For yourself you know what has changed in me after understanding the thin line between Life and Memories. For people, they may see that you are not socializing anymore but you know how your social existence is killed not just because you are a bit resigned but also because having a best friend has been a fucking nightmare and you might as well be with yourself, at least there is no emotional setback kept there.

I have never been so vulnerable to emotions of sadness, helplessness, loss, pain or regrets the much I have been in this year. And I know everyone who loves me thinks, the girl they see today is lovely & much better version of me. But yet the Daydreaming, Reckless, Carefree, Playful, Experimenting, Banging head on everything, Being happy for no reason, Unpredictable or Going with the flow kind of me is gonna be less found now.

I don’t like it but cant help much. Auto mode is very difficult to outdo, if you know what I mean. So here I am stumbling through, trying to find a way through this year.

Yet there is a good news here, Year 2014 is not coming back! Its a one-time tragedy.