My Insights

Knowing & not-knowing each other!!

He was afraid to touch the topic , he didn’t want to give more grief to me. I also know that he might be afraid to hear something unpleasant about what we had or didn’t. I realise his restlessness, I knew his restlessness. I know how he wanders around not knowing what to say and would return without saying. I know how much he cares but his strong image doesn’t let him show any. I know exactly when he is making a serious attempt of not looking at me and I also know when he stares at me from across the room full of people. I exactly know which clothes would he like to see on my body and I exactly know how he prefers to look through them. I know when he is upset and I know when he is angry, I know when he is facing the fire and I know when he believes. I know how he prefers his tea to be and I know how much he loves to give free advice. I know when he is about to kiss me and I know when he is trying hard not to feel that way. I know how he might be fantasicing about me and I know where he would want my hands to be. I know where he wants to touch me and I know exactly where he wants me to touch him. I know he is more than a fantasy and I also know that he feels the same about me. I know he is more than what meets the eye, and I know he doesn’t want me to believe that. I know he wanted to explore us, me.. and I also know that he regrets he didn’t, he couldn’t.

I know he needs me and wishes me to be there. But I also know that he might be battling the same war that I fight everyday. Of knowing and not knowing..each other too well!!

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My 2015 blogging year in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 740 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 12 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Grass is always greener on the other side…

Frankly, I never felt like that about anything in my life. As far as I remember, I have always been very contented with my relationships, my family or my individual life so to say. There have been days when I cribbed about having no money, pathetic job or the behaviour of people around me. But the feeling of ‘they have it better’ never ever crossed my mind. I am still very clear about having the best of parents, the most amazing brother – well in fact – a lot better version than me and a gem of a husband.

But yesterday night for the first time in my life, I felt that I am not enough. That I am not the best possible option for a wife for my husband. I am completely aware of my personality and the pros & cons it comes with. But I have always lived my life for last 10 years knowing – that my loved ones don’t mind the way I am and the way I am not.

Till date, the most I valued in my life is relationships. Quite often I screw them up, but I recreate and build them again too. I have always conquered that part of my life. Job, Money, Friends, Socializing, Partying, Fun…everything else was the last priority in front of spending time with family or doing something for them. That could also be a reason I don’t have a lot of friends, I don’t belong to n number of whatsapp groups, I don’t earn as much as I could have OR simply I am not liked as much as my Husband/Brother/Parents are liked in their circles.

I would always choose a nice dinner / a movie over a party OR a long drive over a night-out with bunch of people. I would choose to have cosy celebrations than loud music and strangers. I would choose a book or a romantic movie at home over a socializing attempt with relatives or friends.

I don’t like chaos, I need it quite. I don’t like loud, I like it cosy. I don’t like it with fake smiles & strange faces around, I like it known & comfortable. And that’s how I have been living my life and frankly I don’t see a problem in that. More than that, I have lived hearing from my loved ones that it is perfect, that it doesn’t matter – & you don’t need to fit in, you don’t need to change. But guess what, that bubble broke yesterday night!

After all, your personal desires ARE ABOVE anyone else’s way of living. It does overpower at some point of time. I know that better than anyone!

I have had my moments of realization this week! But this tops the list.. What changes after this? Well frankly nothing! But the after effects will definitely make me think twice before speaking a word / making a plan / expecting anything from anyone! It’s not really a good feeling to know that well you could have been a better version of a wife / a descent version of a THIS GENERATION woman..

Struggle to cut through the regulars..

Many of our relationship issues are connected to our disappointments with ourselves. I strongly believe that since some time. The ego trips, clashes or disagreements that one has on a usual basis in the house are mostly because of the disappointment you have about how your life is going on right now.

For example, I love to take vacations and travel. If I get to do that often I’m a different person altogether. Everything else that I need to take care of OR not working out properly becomes a miniature issue. I sail through pretty fine from it.

I believe it is all a vicious circle where you are disappointed with yourself, then you find yourself helpless in some way, then you are disappointed that your life is not going the way you want it go, that its not so exciting any more, then you are disappointed in your spouse that he/she is not doing enough to make a difference in it, that he/she is engrossed in their individual lives more than us as a couple, then no matter how much you try to pull it altogether it just keeps falling apart. Life seems awesome for a few days and is very stagnant on others. For a while there is an ultimate warmth & intimacy in relationships and you find it vanishing eventually.

Unless you have your goals, plans and dreams jotted down. Unless you really have something to look forward to. Unless after every few years you recreate your relationships and what you want in life. Unless you and your spouse are partners in love or better in crime too 😉

Its easier said than done. That’s the exact reason why I am struggling big time right now. My mentor from my ‘Effectiveness Seminar – Landmark Education‘ that I am attending made a point last Saturday. He said, ‘Life or anything in your life is never stagnant. Its either expanding or contracting. You need to take some actions to make sure you are always expanding.’ It was a ‘Ting’ moment for me. Did I not know this before? Well I did, that’s the exact reason why I joined the Effectiveness seminar but somewhere down the line I lost my focus from what exactly I want to alter in my life.

He made another point that, ‘You will find yourself in stage of Stability when you find yourself bored, not excited or things start looking as regular’ That is a stage where you feel the need of more. Because when you come to a stage of Stability you gotta Expand. You gotta make new plans, focus on new goals, change what’s been regular and fill excitement in your life. If you don’t, you start contracting and you find yourself often disappointed than happy.

I realised at that moment, that this stage has come in my married life and/or in my individual life. Where it needs a newness. Something that will alter tomorrow.

I don’t know the entire list of things that will make a difference. But I want to start with small projects or goals that I can see now. Like taking up writing my novel, losing weight, planning a long vacation, taking a month’s break from work for writing, looking for a specialised job, moving to a different city/country and having a baby.

The plan is not concrete yet. But I have realized by now that I have high expectations from myself. And if I don’t live up to them then I am disappointed with myself. And then clearly I am disappointed with the world. And if I make plans and complete them then I am a sorted human being who hardly has issues with what’s going on around. I have also noticed that if I take out time and do what I love like writing my novel then I’m a calmer human being which eventually may lead to harmony and warmth in my relationships.

So consider this as a declaration that I am writing my novel. I am about 4500+ words down, with first few scenes laid down on the paper. I am shit scared as to what will happen next or whether I will ever complete it. But its keeping me sane, its keeping on top of things, its giving me a sense of completeness so I am writing. And the target is to complete it before my birthday in September. Sort of like a present to myself !

Here I have, something to look forward to…but still gotta keep the spark alive and work on the rest of the list…. 🙂

Disturbing thought provoking news..of a girl I hardly knew!

A girl in my office committed a suicide this Friday.

We received a condolence message on Saturday morning, my heart sank a bit but I came out of it in a few moments. I thought I will not remember it again. But it came back, again and again. I hardly knew her, just saw her doing make-up in the powder room few times. I was wondering what may have caused her death, and heard one of her friend talking it out loud that she committed suicide over a, break-up.

Suicide over a break-up with a guy, is it that simple to die?

I’m having a hard time getting it out of my head. It is difficult to realise that you never know who will be alive tomorrow and who won’t. It is scary to know that there exists a power beyond your brain which controls you. I am scared, I truly am. And extremely sad that people don’t have love around them to hold them back from doing something like this.

I know how a break-up makes you feel, its a phase which only some can survive from.

One guy who is the center of your universe till one moment, is just not there anymore. Your morning, afternoon, evening and night revolves around him. Your likes, dislikes, dreams, wishes, achievements, failures and practically everything is shaped up around him. He is your lover, elder brother, best friend, companion, saviour and partner in crime. He is one person who makes you who are. You just fucking don’t remember yourself without him, you just cant imagine yourself without him. And he is just not there anymore. He is just a shadow, a dream, an imaginary figure which doesn’t fit in your fingers, who is just an illusion when you try to take him close.

A part of you dies the day someone you love so much goes away for ever. You can never be that person again. You can never love the way you loved again. You can feel the hole in your heart, it will stay empty forever. It’s crazy, its horrible to be in such situation. But, what I also know is that you move on. You survive, you sail through, you live again. The emptiness remains but colours do get back in life.

Don’t know what she went through, don’t know why she did what she did. It is just so sad for the family and the lover who’s left behind. People left behind face the horrible destiny more than the one who dies. Irony of life and break-ups.

I always think that, one should be with a guy who grows to become your strength not your weakness. And yet, no matter how much you love someone – no guy is worth dieing for!

What can I say more, May her soul rest in peace!

Acclimatization

Acclimatization

Source – Wikipedia, Google

Read this word on a travel website! We leave you to acclimatize with the climate for the rest of the day.. I felt as if there is a ring to this word. Acclimatize..Acclimatize..Acclimatize 😉

Really, don’t we all do this all the time? Try to acclimatize, from the constant changes in life to the changes inside you. Life as we know it, gives us away at many circumstances and how we deal with them is our process of acclimatization.

I remember going to the college away from my parents for the first time. Leaving the hostel every morning, walking down the small alley to the college building. All alien faces around, everyone with million colored clothes with another billion expressions on their faces. Walking down the campus roads all alone with a backpack and series of questions with blood rushing fast through the heart or brains (whatever it may be). I can still feel what I felt that time.

Being afraid, Being scared and Being excited are not so different things when you are standing at the beginning of the next chapter and at the end of being a child – safe, secure and cared for at home. Right from the climate to roads, from food to the taste, from hostel room to the rough bed, from strangers to people who stare, from a huge campus to the college kattas just everything was new and yet not so exciting or satisfying. I gotta admit, somehow I never liked any of that as much as I liked being with my parents and brother. So I guess I never quite got acclimatized to the whole staying away thing or the college thing.

Relevance of this word doesn’t end here. It reflects in everyday.

We play many roles in our life. People Change. You change. Situations change. Life changes every minute & all we try in our life is to Acclimatize. All the time. 

I told you there is a ring to this word, which just struck many chords.

My Blog Year 2014 – In review by gentle WordPress ;-)

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,200 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 20 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.