Insanity of this year..

Loss, Pain. Regrets.

I had never tasted these words like I did in this year. I think I never quite understood the meaning of these words until now. Never ever lost anyone before in my life, neither did I feel the pain of not having someone around or having major – shattering regrets in life. Now I know the impact of these words – on me and others.

Till date I have always lived my life on my own terms. Like Dominic Toretto says in The Fast and Furious, ” I live my life quarter mile at a time…for those 10 seconds and less I’m free” I have been seeing few days out at the max and would jump into it. Then Morality, People, Commitments, Have To’s, Should be’s nothing else matters.

All my decisions, may they be related to Education, Job, Career, Love interests, Marriage, Any relationships or me as an individual personality all were driven by “Whether I am happy in this?” or “Whether someone I love is happy with this?” That’s it, all my decisions could be very well categorized under these two questions.

I have made many mistakes in life. May it be being rebellious to my parents, neglecting my family, breaking the commitment in relationship or dropping out from education at one point or falling in love with the wrong person. All have given me big jerks, some sailed me through to good opportunities and some landed me in a soup. But frankly all was okay, all was bearable, all was manageable until now. May be my age helped me through. I had my privileges being young, pampered and yet sensible n responsible in certain things. Every one has some “Sail through” Ace cards!

Those cards have stopped working for me now. This year outran my options to cope n still be the same.

I don’t know whether it happens to everyone or not. That overall everything in life looks perfect but deep down you know the difference between your Own self image of Jan 2014 and Dec 2014. It’s like all are pluses but there are so many minuses killing the experience of it all. And the worst part is, you can’t explain how.

For people, you have just put on 6-7 kgs of weight but for yourself you know there is a lot that freaking happened which led you into this. Loved ones may say, you are resigned about your life or doing some drastic change in your life or career but you know that – that resigned feeling is just eating you from inside and you don’t want it. For people, you can say certain person in life hurt me and I don’t want to be together anymore but in your heart you know the small little things got crushed in the process and you were left standing alone in the middle of the road. For people, I lost my grandfather and they would are sorry to hear that but only you know that – you regret every fucking minute you spent in making him wrong than realizing how much you love him. For people, the death of such an elderly man is expected but for yourself you know how it changed the face of my family or my father. For yourself you know what has changed in me after understanding the thin line between Life and Memories. For people, they may see that you are not socializing anymore but you know how your social existence is killed not just because you are a bit resigned but also because having a best friend has been a fucking nightmare and you might as well be with yourself, at least there is no emotional setback kept there.

I have never been so vulnerable to emotions of sadness, helplessness, loss, pain or regrets the much I have been in this year. And I know everyone who loves me thinks, the girl they see today is lovely & much better version of me. But yet the Daydreaming, Reckless, Carefree, Playful, Experimenting, Banging head on everything, Being happy for no reason, Unpredictable or Going with the flow kind of me is gonna be less found now.

I don’t like it but cant help much. Auto mode is very difficult to outdo, if you know what I mean. So here I am stumbling through, trying to find a way through this year.

Yet there is a good news here, Year 2014 is not coming back! Its a one-time tragedy.

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4 comments

  1. My Dear daughter, Thanks for being so good in expressing and being with me during the loss. Thy say, loss, pain are the doors to enlightenment and finding something eternal…!
    Don’t ever leave behind that carefree (not careless), Happy, spontaneous yet thoughtful girl behind. That girl is needed in 2015 too. She is my daughter…!
    Love you, love you a lot….!

    Liked by 1 person

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